Good Girl Thoughts

I have never been able to balance the sexual aspects of my life. It’s really either complete sluthood or absolute disgust with sex. I often go through periods of time where I dive in constant porn and casual sex, often with those things being my only entertainment or connection with others. During these times, I usually also become preoccupied with finding a Dominant. I tend to engage in a lot of extreme kink as well, especially degradation. I get burnt out on that in a month or two, then delete all my accounts, break away from all my contacts, and try to live a normal life. But I always come back.

I wonder if it’s a specific element of these times that is burning me out. Perhaps the disappointing partner search? Maybe the frequent and often extreme degradation play, sometimes with little or no aftercare?

What am I seeking when I dive into these cycles? Intimacy, validation, excitement? As I reflect, the phrase that comes to mind, as it often does, is “I want to be good” and “I want to be a good girl.” I think this points towards a need for external validation and affirmation of my worth. Something that I recognize intellectually but need to internalize is that I can’t be a good girl for everyone who demands it of me.

At times, I have engaged in play that is very exciting and turns me on, but afterwards, I feel a lot of difficult feelings, especially depression and negative self-talk. This can really cause a rush of adrenaline and novelty, which can be intoxicating in the moment but emotionally draining without balance. Sometimes men say things that I believe they are expressing as kinky sentiments, but I really internalize. “You’re only good for your holes.” If that’s true, and I’m not currently having sex, I’m worthless, right? I know the intent is not to depress me, and I’m sure most of the men who say these things don’t want me to take them to heart. I try not to, but it’s very difficult.

I’m not sure what I’m needing. If I’m looking for validation, connection, or love, casual sex might be filling the wrong bucket—like trying to quench thirst with saltwater. I think it’s also worth exploring what types of encounters (and partners) leave me feeling good for days afterwards, rather than drained and depressed.

I’m thinking about how I can have a more focused group of casual partners that I vet further and play with consistently. As I’ve discussed in previous posts, I feel that my purpose might specifically be sexual service, and at times, I’ve thought this meant having sex with as many men as possible. But my purpose can still be valid and deeply meaningful, even if it’s expressed in a different context. It isn’t about scale, but instead about living my values and developing a a sense of fulfillment. Sexual service doesn’t have to involve a large number of people or loose, unprotected boundaries. I do think I can fulfil my purpose with fewer sexual partners.

Ultimately, I need to define what being a good girl means to me, outside of everyone else’s demands and expectations. I need to find worth in my own approval, focusing on what makes me proud of myself. It’s important to remember that good girls protect themselves.

After I post this, I think my next steps are as follows: Think about the partners and experiences that have a positive impact, and consider what made them different. Reconsider my boundaries, focusing on identifying what I need to feel safe and values. Develop a vetting process for any partners, casual or otherwise. And finally, develop a process to journal / debrief about sexual encounters in order to further my self-understanding.